What If

We have all had those moments in time when we think "what If", I have a few of my own that sometimes cross my crazy brain. Like what if my parents had not died at such an early age, would they loving and caring grandparents to my kids? Or what if I didn't marry my husband, would I still end up with four kids? Would I have any girls? I know it's something that passes through everyones brain. And we know as rational people that there are no "do overs", no "what if's" in life. But we always want to know. I have some crazy thoughts sometimes too, like "what if my favorite singer actually meets me at a destination" will I be scared shitless or will I faint? Or will I just be myself. And What If he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and wants to wisk me away someplace.....or what if he walks in the room and treats me like he treats his mother!!! maybe because I'm probably the same age!! ha ha but seriously, What if there was another side to life and death? What if it's really true that our soul leaves our body and doesn't die, what if our loved ones are actually really able to communicate with us from another demension? What if all the terrible things that are going on in the world are acts of God? What if we stop fighting and harming each other and live peacefully will God be happy then? What if I had married my first real boyfriend, would we still be together? What about the second, the third, the fourth? What if I married the man my parents wanted me to, would I have been happy? What if there are no answers to these what if's and we have to spend our lives trying to figure it all out on our own? There are so many thousands and thousands what if's that I could fill pages, but I think you all get the gist of it all. I think the answers come from ourselves and how we percieve them. I think choice not chance determines our destiny, not a What If!

Stalker or Fan which one am I?

Ok here is the problem. I love Josh Groban, yes I know, he's just a singer, songwriter etc... I think he's very handsome and funny. I've seen the utube videos etc... ok so when does it become stalking? I mean I'm not going to NYC and looking for him am I? no, I'm not going to San Diego and waiting for him at his grandmas house! (only know she lives there from something he posted) I do however reply to every post he does, ok so that's a little weird. But hey do you really think he's reading them? Hell to the NO! He probably has someone else do the posting etc... Well I don't think I'm a stalker just a huge fan with a couple of fantasy's in my head. Like maybe I'll be somewhere and he'll show up, or I'll win VIP passes to his next concert. Which by the way will be happening soon cause he has a new CD in the making. I'll probably be in the nosebleeds at a concert with all the other old ladies swooning over his dreamy voice.....Sigh but I can dream can't I? Now don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful husband and great kids, but if he came up to me right now and wanted me to leave with him to some deserted island........Well the answer would be no. I just want to meet him, I just want to talk to him, I'm a really good friend! Just ask the friends I have! LOL so silly this all is! But I'm not a stalker, just a fan with a huge imagination! Who knows maybe one day I just might get the chance to prove you all wrong! So I'm still gonna facebook about him, still going to leave my little comments to him and still pretend that he would fall in love with me the minute he saw me!!! That's what dreaming is all about! And BTW he's not GAY!

That gut feeling

Have you ever done something, or met someone and you get that gut feeling that something is wrong? I have and twice it's happened to the same person I have encountered. My brother in law, I won't name names in case I get in trouble, is getting married to someone he just met about a month and a half ago. But first let me fill you in on all the details. It all first started with him dumping his live in girlfriend of almost 11 years. She was older, had children and worshiped the ground he walked on. Well she did until the last year of their relationship. She was tired of waiting around for that ring, she wanted something permanent, but he wasn't ready to commit. Go figure, he couldn't commit to a piece of paper but had no problem buying a house with her and living with her for 11 years. I think I'm right on this but in most states she's considered his "Common Law" wife by that time and could actually collect alimony if she desired to. But anyways, so he breaks up with her, deserts the house, just letting it go, not paying any more for it or the bills. Well he gets this appartment/condo from his neighbor next door and lives in there for a while. He and neighbor start talking and the neighbor wants him to meet his daughter who lives in New York City and is one of the hairstylest/makeup artists for two major tv shows right now. So they start talking on the phone, almost every day. She wants to meet him but her schedule is crazy so he takes a leap of faith and flies to Puerto Rico to meet her while the show is being filmed there. First date is basically first time too. So ok some people are like that. Well he paid for that flight and she has been paying for all the rest!!!! There hasn't been a weekend that they have not been together that SHE has not paid for. Sound a little odd? I mean ok so sometimes you pay for your guy but not all the time! He's basically spending ALL of her money cause he has none. She pays for everything! They were here this past weekend and I saw her hand him money to put in his pocket so it looked like he had money when it came time to pay the bill. Gut feeling? not so wonderful. Why would she be willing to pay to have his company? He wanted a fast boat, she wanted a family boat guess what they got? a Fast boat. He's taking it as fast as she can give it to him. Gut feeling? still not good. Asked about why they are getting married so quickly? ok so I asked a pretty personal question but it was the question we all wanted to ask. The answer was vague...Gut feeling? still not good. Are they going to have kids? yes I asked that too, No we don't want any, we want to spend all of our time to ourselves, ok I can understand that. They are both 40 etc...asked if it happened would they be ok with that? Oh no, we would get rid of it! exact words. Gut feeling? bad again. Ok so I know it's their decision but the way it was put out there just seemed so wrong. Actually had to pray really hard about the answers I heard cause the desturbed me so much. She seems really nice and they are all lovey dovey but I can't help but have that Gut Feeling that it's wrong.... I guess we will see.

Pet Peeves!

As you all may know one of my pet peeves is rude people in line...already discussed that. One of the other things that drives (no pun intended) me crazy is when people follow behind you sooooo close! Do they actually think that I'm going to go faster for them? In fact when someone does that too me I go slower, slowly a little bit at a time until I'm 10miles UNDER the speed limit! LOL they hate it, but Hell that's what they get for riding my ass! I was going the speed limit to begin with! So if you are following me and I'm going the SPEED LIMIT and you don't like it, well go around me! don't ride my butt! Cause if you do I'll probably make you even madder!!!

Does this blog make me look fat?

Funny we see these phrases all the time and get a little chuckle out of them. I know I do. But what I want to talk to you today about is my life as a "Morbidly Obese" Woman. This is not a fun subject to talk about and I'm sure alot of you have someone in your life who is like me. I'm going to explain to you what we (the obese) feel every living moment of every living day. First of all the definition of Morbid ( realating to, or characteristic of disease, morbid condition, abnormally susceptible or characterized by gloomy or unwholesome feelings, grisly, and or gruesom.) Do I look like that to you? am I so grisly and gruesom that you turn away? Some people do do that to us "Fat" people and when they do a little piece of us dies with it. Obesity (a condition characterized by the excessive accumulation and storage of FAT in the body) Boy do I sound pretty now huh? Well let me tell you that I don't and haven't for a very very long time. I'm a really good faker as most of us "fat" people are. We act as though nothing is bothering us, but in reality we are seething with self hate. Anyone who knows me with the exception of a handful of people see me as Happy go lucky, not a care in the world, life it great blah blah blah. Well that is not the case. I struggle everyday with my self hate. I have tried every diet in the book, spent thousands of dollars on programs, starved myself to the point of putting myself in the hospital, if any of you remember when I was in High School and had Mono it was also for an undiagnosed eating disorder too. My parents didn't even know I wasn't eating, I was starving myself because I was not as thin or thinner then everyone else. So I guess I was unhappy with myself even then. But then things changed I got married and had children. As in the case of mine they would be called stair steps, one right after another and with each one I put on more weight. I tried and tried to take it off but as many of you know with having little kids in the house it is difficult to handle the stress. I don't think I over ate, or at least I told myself I did not. You couldn't say I wasn't moving around cause with 4 children you cannot just sit on the couch and eat bon bons! I was active but the weight kept creeping up! I have been to nutritionists, mental health counselors you name it I have tried it! Some might think that it's a mind over matter thing, Oh just stop eating bread, sugar, etc...and it will come off. Not for me. And now at the age of almost 46 I live with a multitude of physical and mental problems. How could this have happened? I don't even remember not being this size! I have been this size since my second child was born, My kids have only known me as fat, squishy etc...Where do I go from here?
Well my first step was figuring out why I ate when I was not hungry. I have learned that I would not open myself up to emotions. If it was an emotion that was going to make me feel unsure of myself well I just had to push it back down inside of me with some food, didn't matter what it was as long as that feeling went away. If I was bored, I know hard to believe, but if I was bored I would eat, if I felt lonely, which I do alot of the time, I would eat. Push those feelings as far down as I could. I didnt' want to deal with them, I didn't want to think about them let alone talk about them. I was supposed to be "Perfect Mom" only I was the Huge Mom! I bet none of you have ever thought about what you are eating in a resturant, wondering if someone is looking at you and saying, wow she really shouldn't be eating that. I don't go to the gym anymore because I was so self concious of walking past everyone and in my head everyone was thinking, "oh here comes that fat girl again". If you haven't lived the life of a fat, chubby, obese person you have to understand we play these scenerios in our heads over and over and over again. It may not even be happening but in our heads it is. So we stay inside and we tell ourselves we will do better today and we try, we don't over eat, we eat healthy we might even eventually buy a new outfit cause we start liking ourselves again. But then we look at ourselves in the mirror or weigh ourselves because we feel like we have been good and it should be showing right? This morning I got on the scale, thinking I did good over the weekend, I didn't over eat, I didn't over drink, I did alot of walking etc... and so I get on the scale and Voila! I have GAINED weight! ever have weight put on your shoulders? try looking at the scale when it tells you that you weigh 255lbs! I tried, I did good, I hurt!
the self esteem plummets, but I'm not going to go down the usual path. I ate my breakfast of bran flakes, I'll have an apple on the way to work, I'll drink my gallons of water. I'll be good I tell myself. My family eats more than I do and yet I can't lose the weight. I have tried to have my insurance company approve the Lap Band for me. Last year I was denied! I'm 255 and I was denied! go on a diet they say, exercise they say. How can you exercise when you can't walk because of the osteoarthritis you have in both knees, and the neuropathy in your arms and legs (by the way some are caused by being over weight but some are not, the knee problems I have had since birth) So I try again with the insurance company, send more letters and wait. The point I was trying to get across is that even though you see a fat person on the outside, sometimes there are more reasons than food that make that person overweight. Don't judge them, talk to them and understand.

Family

This past weekend I was able to spend the most wonderful time with my husbands, Mothers side of the family. I don't think I have Ever met such a kind and wonderful bunch of people who actually "Enjoy" being around each other. Yes, we all have wonderful people in our families and I have to admit I think I have some pretty wonderful ones in my family also. And for this I feel very blessed. I often wonder if my parents who have been gone (dead) for 20 plus years now would be part of a fun and loving family who gathers once a year and thrives on each others company? My honest answer is um....No! I didn't have the warm an fuzzy family, that Bradey Dream family! I had the family that had the stay at home mom who hated every moment of it, with nine kids on top of it. I had the family that you could hear the yelling coming from the house a couple of houses down! I had the family that would fight with each other to really cause physical harm to each other, for example running after each other with hammers and such!!! yes, bizarre as it may sound that was my family up until I was about 13 years old! And then we moved to Florida! oh did I mention that I grew up on Leominster, Massachusetts? It's funny cause when I moved to Sebring, FL then, everyone thought if you came from Massachusetts you lived in Boston, obviously no other town was ever discussed in school. Ha Ha so everyone who lived in Massachusetts came from Boston period! So to get back to my point. My family really did put the funk in disfunctional! So my parents thought it would be good to move us (myself, my sister and my younger brother) the three little kids as we were referred to and still are! to a small town in central Florida. Sebring. I felt like I was Dorothy picked up by the twister and set down in some strange and different place! I didn't understand a word anyone said when they were talking because of the strong accents. And I'm sure they thought mine was the same. And truth be told I really could not understand the African American kids because thier accents were even worse and I had only seen on Black person my whole life when I lived in Leominster! I tell no lie I only speak the truth here. So back to the story of family, I had a crazy disfunctional family, my parents tried to take us away from it, some of the family followed and the rest stayed in New England. Just because we moved away didn't solve the problems! It seemed not so much fighting between silblings but now it was the parents turn! Augh! I swear my Dad was bipolar and was never diagnosed! He suffered from depression and was never diagnosed! He suffered from Anxiety and finally was diagnosed! So the long and short of it was I never grew up in a family that ENJOYED being around each other as much as the Cummings/Shaw families do. Once you married into this family you were there for life. They care with real feelings, not fake and then talk behind your back, they are happy, genuinely, to see you each time and saddened when they have to say goodbye. Although some might see you within the next year the real love for you is felt. I think that is the soul purpose of family, Love, plain and simple. No dressing it up, no hiding bedind something else, just genuine Love. And that is what I experienced this past weekend and what makes me joyously happy when I see all those smiling faces again. Till Next Time Cummings/Shaw Family! I'm feeling the Love!

Why?

This is my first time blogging and am very eager to get started. I have found that the general people around me in my city, neighborhood and area have increasingly declined in social skills! For example last night I was in a Major Dept Store in our area exchaning an item. Simple task, should only take a few minutes. Well as I stand there at the sign that says "please form line here" I notice a young couple of mixed races standing over to the side but at the same distance from the counters as I. the cashier walks up, obviously sees me standing there but asks who is next in line...Well in a perfect world it should have been me. If this inter racial couple had any manners they would have said "oh she was standing here first" but alas they did not and went right in front of me. I tried to contain my unbelief that this had just happened but made a small comment to two young men standing behind them that "I must be invisible today". Now you would generally think that ok now I have to go to the end of the line cause obviously no one can read a sign anymore and have formed a line on the other side of counter. So as I turn to go to the end, the two young white men say" please go in front of us, you were obviously here first"! So my question of today is Why? Why do some people, not all, but the majority of people think it is there priviledge to step in front of other people in store lines? Are they any better than me? I'm not saying I'm any better then them. I just want to play fairly, be honest, have manners. the two younger men behind me had the manners and allowed me to go in front of them. Why didn't the inter racial couple feel they were allowed to go in front of me? Upbrining? Social Status? Lack of Manners? Why?

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